Today is my mom's birthday. If you ask her, it is a national holiday. I mean my mother was born today. It should be a national holiday. Whenever her birthday comes around, I do a lot of thinking.
Before I get started on letting you see a part of the inside of my head, I should make a disclaimer. This post is not meant to break your heart Mom. It is not meant to hurt people or any of that jazz. This post is simply what is in my head. More often then not inside my head is very painful to see. It's just how I am, so read at your own risk.
For those of you living under a rock, and don't know, my Mom and Dad separated when I was seven. Big deal right? Everyone's parents these days are separated or in the process of doing so. I have read way too many books where the parents were divorced and it was the norm. I hate to break it to you world, but separated parents is not the norm. It's not okay and it should be outlawed. Okay maybe not that extreme, but for serious. I know first hand the effects it has on the children in the situation, . To put it lightly, it sucks. In many cases the father leaves the mother with the children. But we are special and the mother left the father with the children.
I like to say that I remember practically nothing from the year or more that it took for my parents to actually divorce.But I actually remember a lot. I am really bad at timelines. I can't pin down when everything actually took place. The only thing I remember with time was the day it all began. I'm sure my parents were having problems before they told us, but they hid it well. I believe it was June 12th 2007 at like 6:30pm. Spaghetti was all over my plate and life was moving along like normal. I was surrounded by my siblings, and my little heart had no idea that in a matter of seconds it would shatter. It was like a time bomb; when time ran out the bomb blew up destroying everything in it's way. At that age I knew what the word divorce meant. So when it came out of my mother's mouth, on that summer day, the time on the bomb hit zero and everything blew up...
After that I don't remember being okay again. That night we all walked around and started the unending job of cleaning up the debris of the biggest explosion of my life.
Whenever my Mom's birthday comes around, or Mother's day for that matter, I think about her leaving. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt abandoned. That feeling has never left me. After that day in June, my mother was never there when I needed her. I remember calling her whenever I was sick. I would be in pain and want to hear her voice, because for most of my life, that was the only thing I could have of her. I would cry and want my mom, but she wasn't there. I would accomplish something and want my mom, but she wasn't there. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom! I love her a lot. I have forgiven her for everything, but I will never be able to forget. I have never really opened up about my Mom and how much she hurt me. I love my mom so much that I just couldn't. I couldn't make her cry, even though she made me cry a million times.This post isn't supposed to make my mom hurt, or cry. But she probably will. I can't stop that. I can't change what happened those almost nine years ago. I just have to face it. Sometimes it takes me forever to face something. Or I'll just face it a little at a time. I face this a little at a time. Every year I face a little more, on mother's day, mom's birthday, and June 12th.
This was not the Happy Birthday sweet note, my mom wanted to get from me. (I did send her one of those) This is a part of what is inside my head. As much as I would like to forget everything, I can't, and I won't.
Happy Birthday Mom! I love you so very much! Thank you for being my Mom. Even though you are not always there, I truly forgive you for everything.
