Who Is Becca?

Hey Guys, It has been a hot minute since I have posted. Seriously...almost a year. I'm truly sorry about that. As you can probably guess a lot has happened since I posted last... A lot. I graduated high school in June and moved out a few weeks later. And because I know you are wondering, no I am not going to college. I live in a little town about 25 minutes from my Dad's house. I have a roommate and we live in a tiny two bedroom apartment. My roommate works full time and I work part-time at a grocery store. I don't make very much money at the grocery store so I am trying to find a different job. I have applied to like twenty different jobs and haven't gotten any of them. So far I have learned that food is expensive, finding a job is super hard, and I have no idea who I am as a person. I have literally no clue who I am on my own. For some reason, after I left my dad's house, I lost a lot of friends. Well actually I wouldn't say I lost them but rather they became distant. I think this was happening before I left but I really noticed when I moved. Needless to say, it has been a lonely six-ish weeks. Having like two friends and not really having a job makes or a pretty boring life, which gives you an awful lot of time to think. Ironically my roommate left on a four month mission trip like three days after I moved in.  Which left me alone with no friends and barely any job, but a lot of time to think. I was thinking so much that I realized that I have absolutely no freaking clue who I am as a person. Like not even the slightest idea. All my life I have has some sort of title or thing that made me who I was. Like the girl who was homeschooled... well I graduated. The girl who did a ton of farm work...well I moved out. And the list goes on and on. But somehow when I moved away, all of those things weren't relevant anymore. I wasn't any of those things anymore...so basically, I'm nothing.
To be completely honest with you, this period of my life has been the loneliest time ever. Now I know you are sitting there thinking, "Um Becca, You only moved 25 minutes away and have only been gone for 6 weeks". My response to that is, "I know and that is what gives me hope that this season of loneliness won't last forever". I have never felt so lost and confused in my entire life. Plenty of people told me I would go through this and how I didn't know who I was yet, so on and so forth. I believed that I would but I had no idea it would be so lonely.
Before my roommate got back, I left to house sit for two weeks so I have had just as much time to think. I have pondered for days how to get myself out of this rut where I find myself so lost and lonely. Nothing even halfway decent was coming to mind until this evening. I realized that because I had no idea who I am without everything I grew up with, I could choose to be whoever I wanted to be. I don't have to be a farmer or a homeschool kid. I don't have too look a certain way or act a certain way. I can be whoever I want to be I can peruse whatever career I want, I can look and wear whatever I want, I can work out and eat healthily, or I can be fat and eat Oreos all day. (Though to be honest with you I'm gonna work out and eat healthily) My point is no one can tell me who I can or should be. I know you are probably sitting there thinking, well duh, but you have no idea how huge this is for me! I have no idea who I want to be or any of that, but I hope you will stay with me while I try to figure it out. I plan on talking with you guys more often. (Obviously cause I have no other friends)
To my friends out there, I hope you read this. I really hope somehow you see how much I need Y'all right now. I really hope somehow, some way you can see how important you are to me but how badly I need you to understand that I am changing from whoever I was before into whoever I'm gonna become.
Thank you, dear reader, for reading this far! This blog, and it's readers have meant so much to me over the past few years. Thanks for not exing the tab, and for seriousness, if you read this and have something to say about it, comment or shoot me a message.
Thanks for everything peeps!

xoxo

Becca

P.S. That is a new signing thing I'm trying. 

An Open Letter To Freshman Me

Yesterday I took a break from life and went to the Junior Varsity football game. One of my friends was playing and I hadn't had a chance to come watch him play. I was overjoyed when the opportunity arose and I could actually go. I watched the game and felt completely at home because, well, it was a high school football game. After the game, we won by the way, I was walking back to the car when I walked past some of the players from the opposing team. They were all taking off there helmets and talking about the game, as they walked back to their buses to head home. I noticed one player in particular. He took off his helmet and I saw his face..I was shocked. He was probably only 5'5 and maybe 140lbs but it was his face that caught my attention. He was only a kid! He was probably 14 or 15 years old and looked it. But that was the point. He was a baby. To me at lest. That is when I remembered that I wasn't 14 or 15 anymore. To him I probably looked my age. I probably looked like an upper class man who didn't necessarily belong at his junior varsity game. Needless to say I felt old.
I recently started my senior year of high school. It seems like all my life I have dreamed of being a senior. For the twelves grades of school you are the absolute top. Everyone looks up to you weather you like it or not. Its a tough but rewarding position to be in. But here I am. For the past eleven years I have been working up to this last year of school. Yet it seems like just yesterday I was learning how to read, or beginning middle school, or beginning high school. I am sure for many of you it seems like yesterday too. So for this blog post I am going to write a letter to my freshman self. Believe it or not me and my freshman self don't have that much in common. So here are somethings I wish I knew when I was a freshman.

Dear Freshman Me,
First off, hey. I know you aren't really scared because you are homeschooled...what is there to be scared of? But you are kind of freaked out. After all you are new to this whole oldest kid at home thing and this not being taught by someone in your family thing.So let's address those issues first. You are the oldest kid at home and with that comes a LOT of responsibility. I know you don't think you can handle it but I assure you, you can.You know how to be the big sister, so just do it. Toughen up buttercup, your little siblings need you to. Okay let me rephase that better. They need you to be the leader and the rock, so please try to be that. Next you are really new to this whole thing about someone other then you sisters teaching you school. I know you want to be all hostel and stuff but don't be. Laura, your teacher, is one of the best things that is ever going to happen to you. Treat her with respect, because she deserves it. Be her companion and lead her too. She is just as new to this as you. She will later become one of your best friends and closest ally. You need her, no matter how much you wish you didn't. So don't be mean and rebellious.
The next thing is stop being so angry. I know you have had the rough deal dealt to you in life. Believe me, I am you. But your anger isn't going to help you any. The more you let is fester inside you, the worse and worse it is going to get. Being angry and holding grudges won't make you any happier and definitely won't get you more attention. Also being angry and having problems won't make that boy you have a massive crush on, give you more attention. It most definitely won't make him like you. While we are on the topic of that boy, let me just say, have patience. I know you don't want to hear that. But I promise you if you just wait, someone super special is going to rock your world one day. Believe it or not the choices you make right now, with this boy, are going to affect your relationship with that special someone in the future. Don't ever change your self for this boy. Which brings be to my next point. Be you boo. Its annoying how much you say that as your senior self. But its so very true. You are going to make some really poor choices regarding your character for this boy you have a crush on. I wish I could give you some profound advice to stop you from doing this. But it kind of helps make you into the person you become. All I can say is, this boy will break your heart. He will ruin you from the inside out. But you will rise and you will learn. Just don't let him have all the control.
Lastly, don't grow up to fast. I know you can't wait to get a boyfriend, drive a car, buy a car, graduate, move out, go to collage, get married ect. But believe it or not, all of that will come too soon. You will grow up, but don't do it so fast. Because if you do, you become like me. You'll grow up so fast that when you realize what is happening you'll want time to stop, because its going WAY too fast. Be a freshman. Be young and excited for a while, because you'll get all of junior and senior year to worry about your future.
You are a work of art and you are worth way more then you know. Keep your head up!
                                           
Love,

Senior You

Freshman Becca

I Need Him

As many of you know, I have dealt with depression for most of my life.When I was in the thick of it, I would wonder if I would ever "get better". I would wonder if I would ever truly be happy again. I always thought about the moment I would have a breakthrough and no longer be depressed. I thought about what might cause it. I thought maybe a boy would sweep me off my feet and he would bring me unending happiness. Maybe my living situation would change and I would have happiness. Maybe I would have a bunch of great fiends and they would make my happy. Maybe I would get a fancy car or maybe a new haircut. Or maybe God would swoop in and over night, He would make me happy. The truth of the matter was the more I thought about what might make me happy, the more unhappy I became. I spent so much time trying to stay unhappy so I wouldn't miss the happiness. I know, that doesn't make much sense. But basically, I would spend every ounce of my energy trying to see the bad because I thought if I was happy, I wold miss the things that were supposed to make me happy.

All my life I have heard testimonies about how God swooped into peoples lives and changed them. After God healed them, they became a brand new person.  After all doesn't the Bible say "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17) Thought that if I was to give my life over to God he would change me instantly. So I did. I can't tell you how many times I dedicated my life to Christ and was disappointed by the "results". I was certain there was some instant change in me that was supposed to happen, but nothing did. When God started working in my life, I started seeing why I was let down so many times. When I dedicated my life to Jesus, he was going to change me, and that is true. But, what I didn't see at the time is the kind of change I was looking for. I was looking for me as a person to change. I wanted all my bad habits to be good habits. I wanted my heart to be different. God definitely does wonders in peoples lives when he becomes a part of them. But one thing God doesn't do is change the person so they aren't themselves. God made each of us to have certain personalities and different struggles. For example, I have always dealt with depression. I thought for sure depression was something God would take away from me, when I dedicated myself to him. But the truth of the matter is God left it. Some days are so hard, and some days I forget I deal with it. I am still trying to figure out why God hasn't healed me of it. But I can say that him leaving it as a part of my life, has taught me a few things about how much I need Him. Because y'all I need him!

You Carry Me

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, the will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 

I am about to turn seventeen. As many of you readers know, the past last year of my life was insane, to put it lightly. I have changed more in the past year then I have in my whole life. I have dived into the waters of God's love and man has He drenched me! I want to share my testimony of God's love in my life. Sit back and grab some popcorn because God is great! This my take a while...

I grew up around the bible and the knowledge of God. I knew everything there was to know about God and what He had done. Or so I thought. As a child I thought life was perfect. I was a good child. I was hardly ever misbehaved. God had to love me because I was so good right? Wrong. My whole entire life blew into a million pieces when my parents divorced.Why would God let something so horrible happen to me? What had I done wrong. This mindset started to develop in my brain and in my heart and I didn't even know it.After that I spent every waking hour trying to be good enough for everyone. I HAD to be good enough for my parents. I HAD to be good enough for my siblings. I HAD to be good enough for my friends. I HAD to be good enough for myself. Most of all I HAD to be good enough for God. Because if I wasn't good enough, He would leave me... He would leave me... He can't leave me... I did everything that I thought and was taught was right. I respected my parents. I went to church. I worked hard for my dad. I tried as hard as I could to be sweet, kind, and loving. And before I knew it, nine years of my life had pasted and God still didn't love me anymore then he had before. How could that be?I had done everything right, hadn't I? And why if I was doing everything right was I so depressed and dead inside? Did God not care at all? Did he just want to make my life miserable? Wouldn't he ever let something go my way?
Now I know what you are thinking, "well where is the moment where God swept in and changed your life an one instant??" I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't one. There is no one moment. Yes God did start changing my life, but there is a catch. I had to choose to LET God change me. Every day I have to choose to let God change me. I get up every morning and have to surrender everything to Him! Over and over again. It has been just about eight months since I surrendered myself to God truly. And I always thought when I truly gave myself to God, my life would change instantly. I would wake up the next day a brand new person. In a way I did.  But two days later I didn't feel brand new anymore. I expected for that feeling of being a new person would come back. But it never really has. Now it isn't a brand new feeling but a feeling of joy and deep pure love.
After the feeling of brand newness left, my life didn't really change drastically like I thought it would. But rather very slowly. I mean, I am eight months in and I still am being changed. My depressed self didn't evaporate into thin air and suddenly became joyful and fulfilled. Sometimes it felt like it just got deeper. But one thing in me did change that night and I know has never come back. I no longer believed God was out to get me or that I have to earn his love. My mind set completely changed. Ever since then my life has been slowly but surely changing. God has been changing my heart which then changes my life.
Earlier today I was cleaning my room and listening to some of my old favorite songs. You Carry Me by Moriah Peters came up. (Listen to it here) I love the chorus of that song. It says "Every moment of my life, God you never left my side! Every valley, every storm, You were there, You were there! I don't need to know what's next! You'll be with me every step! Through it all, Through it all, I can see, You carry me!" 
God has NEVER EVER given up on me or walked out on me. Not because of something I did but simply because he loves me. He love ME . ME! I'm broken and useless but I have worth in him. The only reason I am worth anything is because He loves me! Without that love I am a worthless ball of dust. I am nothing. He doesn't need me at all, but He couldn't love me more!
God is at constant work in my life. I don't believe he will ever stop working on me. At lest I sure hope not! He is so good and so faithful! This is far from my story but rather his story! I am just his main character! I am so lucky to live in his story book!

In closing I just want to remind you that my life isn't perfect. God has worked in my life and he is changing me from the inside out! There is no doubt about that. But by no means does that mean I don't mess up and trip in my life! I have my bad days and my good days. Some days I get so frustrated at life and I don't understand why I am living it. But life is beautiful and created by God himself! It is so worth all the heart ache and pain that comes with it.
I encourage you,
reader, to purse God with all your heart! I promise you won't regret it!

Perseverance

This evening I sat on my couch and balled like a baby because my day had been so bad. Not because it was a bad or hard day but because I made it bad. We were snowed in today and so I let that get to me. Then my two younger siblings were driving me crazy. When you put the two together it's not actually that bad, but I let everything get to me. That made a perfectly fine day into a really bad day.It was no ones fault but mine.
Recently I wrote a post about insecurities. In the post I mentioned that I really didn't deal with many insecurities.Proverbs 16:18 says "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before the fall." The statement I made was very prideful and for that I apologize. But here is my fall. When I was younger I started building myself up by telling myself that I was better then everyone else. It started when I was about eleven and it is still a problem to this day. It is an extremely prideful thing to do and it has truly lead to many falls. The truth is I'm not better then anyone. I'm far from perfect and I'm not just saying that. I'm being so honest with you. I am just as fallen, if not more, then everyone else. I have insecurities about my character. I'm not kind enough; I'm not patient enough; I'm not loving enough; I don't care enough about others; Everything is way too focused on me; I'm not happy enough; I'm too pessimistic; These are real things I deal with every day. Every day I fail and that is why I was crying on the couch tonight. I failed so badly today and yesterday and every day before. I snapped way to many times and I let things get to me that shouldn't have. I thought that once I let God work in my life all of this would go away. Like I would magically become this women who loved, cared,

was patient, and pretty much was perfect.But that just isn't how it works. God doesn't work overnight as I am learning. His work is painful and its so hard but isn't it worth it?
Of all the people in the Bible who persevered in hardship and learning, Job was defiantly the strongest example. James 5;11 says "As you know, we count as blessed those who persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." Job experienced more hardship in his life then I could ever imagine. He lost all of his land, his children, his money, his friends and his wife was not very supportive. He was left with sores all over his body, a nagging wife and three friends who only ever told him he must have really screwed up. If Job had only cursed God he would have been relieved of all of this pain. But he didn't. he persevered like no other and finally God rebuilt his life but twice as good as it was before.I love this line "The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." God shows me his compassion, grace and mercy everyday. I am so undeserving of Him and his love. It amazes me.
1 Chronicles 16;11 says "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." I can't be half the person I want to be without God's strength and I can only get that strength by seeking him. Jesus says it plainly in John 15:4 "Remain in me, as I also will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
I don't have much of a conclusion to this. All I can say is I cannot do this without God. I must remain in him and he also will remain in me. Please pray for me as I embark on this adventure.

You Are Beloved

Recently I was listening to K-Love on my way to work. They just started this thing where they have the artist of a song come in, and talk about why they wrote the song. They were doing this with Jordan Feliz, the artist behind the song Beloved. He said he had just had a baby daughter and him and some other new dads of girls were talking about what their daughters were going to have to face, growing up in the world today. He said as they talked about it, the list was endless of all the insecurities their daughters were going to face. Because of this conversation, he started writing the song Beloved.
I don't know if you have heard the song but you can read the lyrics here. This song has left a big impact on me but not because I deal with many insecurities. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse but for the most part, in my life, I have had very few insecurities regarding my appearance and character. It's not that I didn't experience them but more they weren't a big thing to me. I know that, in most girls lives, this is not the case. I have watched my sisters, my friends, and my friends friends deal with the hardship of insecurities. There are so many expectations for girls and women this day and age. There are expectations in how we look, in how we live and in who we love. There are expectations in how we carry ourselves and what jobs we get. There are expectations in how good our grades our and where we go to collage. The list is practically endless. These expectations are made by how society thinks we should live. But the truth of the matter is, is society's standards are, well, stupid. There is really no better way to put it. The problem with society's standards is they are unrealistic and honestly, far from good. And just because they are what is 'in', doesn't mean they are actually something that you will enjoy. I'm tired of girls and women beating themselves up because they can't be like the women on the cover of Vogue. Those women aren't real. Yes, they are real women but their bodies don't look like that in real life because there is such a thing a Photoshop. Changing yourself, how you look and what you like, so you will be like them is a waste of time. It is their job to look and dress how society says they should. But after they get off work they go eat pizza and watch Netflix just like you do. It's like this because they are just as much human beings as you and I. God created us all uniquely and He loves us all just like he made us. I mean He chose to make us the way we are, of course He is gonna love it!
My favorite line in this song Beloved by Jordan Feliz is "Your heat is beating, alive a breathing, and there's a reason why. You are essential, not accidental!" I love that because it is so true. There is reason a mighty creator chose to create you, and create you just the way you are. To all the girls reading this, please don't compare yourself to the standards of society. You are worth so much more. The way that you are, right now, is perfect. And you don't need the world, or a boy, or your peers, or your parents to tell you because God already did. Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and Your works are wonderful. I know that full well." When God made you, He didn't just say "Oh I guess this will do.' No! Luke 12:7 say "Indeed the very hairs on your head are numbered. Do not be afraid:You are worth more then many sparrows!" God took so much time on you making you perfect, He even knows exactly how many hairs are on your head.
The picture above is a candid picture of me taken the other day during a photo shoot with my beloved boyfriend. I love this picture because it is just a picture of me in all my glory. ;) Ladies, you are a gem! As I like to say "Embrace your own face" because you are perfect just the way you are!

"You Deserve The World My Darling"

I have only lived for sixteen short years, but sometimes it feels longer. Because I am young I lack in wisdom and discernment. Not that I am incapable of being wise and making good choices but more I haven't lived long enough to know. But that is the beauty of growing up. I believe that mistakes, if we learn from them, are a good thing. The more mistakes we make, the more wisdom we gain. I'm not saying to go out and do all this crazy stupid stuff so you can have more wisdom. Because that within it's self is far from wise. I'm saying not to beat your self up for the mistakes you have made and will make. Rather learn from them.
I have made my fair share of mistakes and poor choices. I am no innocent in the matter. Allow me to elaborate. About this time last year, I was five months into a deep and meaningful relationship with a great guy. He was my best friend. We talked everyday, multiple times a day. We knew each other so well we could predicted one another almost perfectly. He knew everything about me. He knew every inch of my life in the past and he knew every inch as my life happened. He was my go to guy. As close as we were and as much as I deeply adored him, we never had a romantic relationship. Though everyone thought we did. When I first met this guy a about a year earlier, we clicked instantly. We just got along far too well. But I am an introvert and I had never had a close guy friend. I held back for a long time. We went to youth group together and most of our friends were seniors. So when they graduated they moved on and we were left. This forced us to grow closer. Fast forward to this time last year and we were closer then close. But as time passed I fell hard for this guy. I had only had one other guy care about me like this and I feel for him too. I finally worked up the nerve to tell him I had developed deep feelings for him and he turned me down. It hurt but I expected it. I continued to purse him. As time went on the closer we got, the closer we got, the more we fought. Now this guy is a naturally flirtatious person. Since I liked him so much, and he was so flirtatious, we did not mix well in that aspect. It just got worse and worse. I started blowing my problems out of proportion to get more attention from him. He started getting weighed down by me. June of 2016, it all blew up. We finally both crumbled. We didn't talk for a month and then two and then three. I'd text him every once in a while to make sure he was still alive but that was it.
 In September I started internet dating a different boy. We "lasted" for two months and he broke up with me.
The purpose of these two stories is this, during both of these relationships I found myself doing anything to make these boys like me. I would change the way I thought, dressed, spoke etc. I wasn't myself with these guys. But no matter how hard I tried to be the girl they wanted, I never could succeed. I ended up hurting myself and they went on their merry way. Here I am only two and a half months later and God has shown me so much.
The first guy and I sat down a number of months later and worked everything out. We are still friends and talk on occasion about the wonderful things God is doing in our lives.We have a good friendship. The second guy and I never really talk. He promised me he wouldn't date for a few years and less then two months later he has a new girl. I'm not bitter or mad. I'm actually glad because I'm not tied up in him anymore. But I pray for his new girlfriend continually.
I think these two relationships were mistakes. But I learned so much from them.
If I could say anything to the girls reading this, I would say,
don't settle for guys who don't care. Running yourself dry for a boy who does not even care about you, only hurts you. You are worth so much more. God has handpicked the right guy. Who will chase after you with all his heart. No guy who won't chase after you but make you chase after him, deserves you. You deserve the world my darling!