I Need Him

As many of you know, I have dealt with depression for most of my life.When I was in the thick of it, I would wonder if I would ever "get better". I would wonder if I would ever truly be happy again. I always thought about the moment I would have a breakthrough and no longer be depressed. I thought about what might cause it. I thought maybe a boy would sweep me off my feet and he would bring me unending happiness. Maybe my living situation would change and I would have happiness. Maybe I would have a bunch of great fiends and they would make my happy. Maybe I would get a fancy car or maybe a new haircut. Or maybe God would swoop in and over night, He would make me happy. The truth of the matter was the more I thought about what might make me happy, the more unhappy I became. I spent so much time trying to stay unhappy so I wouldn't miss the happiness. I know, that doesn't make much sense. But basically, I would spend every ounce of my energy trying to see the bad because I thought if I was happy, I wold miss the things that were supposed to make me happy.

All my life I have heard testimonies about how God swooped into peoples lives and changed them. After God healed them, they became a brand new person.  After all doesn't the Bible say "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17) Thought that if I was to give my life over to God he would change me instantly. So I did. I can't tell you how many times I dedicated my life to Christ and was disappointed by the "results". I was certain there was some instant change in me that was supposed to happen, but nothing did. When God started working in my life, I started seeing why I was let down so many times. When I dedicated my life to Jesus, he was going to change me, and that is true. But, what I didn't see at the time is the kind of change I was looking for. I was looking for me as a person to change. I wanted all my bad habits to be good habits. I wanted my heart to be different. God definitely does wonders in peoples lives when he becomes a part of them. But one thing God doesn't do is change the person so they aren't themselves. God made each of us to have certain personalities and different struggles. For example, I have always dealt with depression. I thought for sure depression was something God would take away from me, when I dedicated myself to him. But the truth of the matter is God left it. Some days are so hard, and some days I forget I deal with it. I am still trying to figure out why God hasn't healed me of it. But I can say that him leaving it as a part of my life, has taught me a few things about how much I need Him. Because y'all I need him!